A Choice Marriage in 1940s India:
Kalavati Desai
My grandmother, Kalavati Desai (or Kala), married in 1944 at age nineteen. She lived in Kapadwanj, a city in the state of Gujarat on the Northwest coast of India.
At the time, arranged marriage was dominant (and still is, though the definitions of "arranged" are getting blurrier), but "love" or "choice" marriages weren't unheard of.
Kala was fifteen when she met my grandfather, Vinod. They knew each other through Vinod's sister and Kala's school friend, Sharda, who kept insisting that Kala and Vinod marry. |
Kala: [*in Gujarati] While we were in school together, my sister-in-law always said to me, "Marry my brother." So then one day I said yes, and [he and I] met once - do you understand?
Neeyati: Yes K: Yes, so then we met, and we got married - but after the engagement we didn't get married until four years later. N: Oh, really? K: Yes. But we - for us, it used to be that before marriage we weren't allowed to see each other, but we often met secretly - we met every 2 - 4 months! * * * The two often met when Kala used to visit her brother in Mumbai (~300 miles from Kapadwanj) where Vinod was in college. Both Kala's brother and Sharda were strict, but they let Kala and Vinod meet at his college. "So we would meet, and we'd go sit in his room and talk," she said. "Just like that, we went on until we were married." Even though Kala was so young when they got engaged (15), she didn't look for anyone else. According to both my mother and David |
Buss's cross-cultural study of mate selection preferences, the most important things Indian parents looked for in a potential husband for their daughters were: similar religious/linguistic background, education level, and health. My grandfather met the first two criteria right away, being a college-educated, Hindu, Gujarati man - but his health was a concern for Kala's parents. He had tuberculosis (TB), which, at the time, had no cure.
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K: A lot of people thought, "Why is such a nice girl marrying someone with TB?" Everyone said things like that.
N: But she [my grandmother] didn't care? My mom: Yeah, she just wanted him! N: What a romantic. My mom: Yeah, I know. K: People said, "It's because of your sister-in-law that this marriage happened." My mom: 'Cause when she was young, she was good-looking, she had good voice, so she used to sing outside - like, you know, when there was garba, she sang in that; she had long hair and everything, so, like...she was in demand! * * * |
K: On the day before the wedding, my sister-in-law sat with me on a [bench] swing, and said, "Your mom doesn't want you to marry him," and I said, "No, the wedding is tomorrow, and I want to marry him; that's that." So we got married the next day.
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So despite all the concerns about Vinod's health, Kala's parents let her decide who she wanted to marry; and, of course, she chose him.
After they were married, Kala went to live with Vinod's family. It was customary for a bride to leave her family and enter into her new one to live in a multigenerational household with: her husband; her mother- and father-in-law; her husband's unmarried sisters; and her husband's brothers, their wives, and any children they may have. This kind of living situation is still an ideal, but the nuclear family is becoming more prevalent.
As a daughter-in-law in the family, Kala's responsibilities were to take care of the housework - the cooking, cleaning, and laundry - and look after the younger children. Her primary obligation, then, was to her elders and to the family at large - not her husband. In fact, even when Vinod had to go to a sanatorium because of his illness, Kala wasn't allowed to go with him; she had to stay home and take care of his siblings and the house. Even when Vinod was home, he and Kala could barely talk during the day - partly because of her duties around the house and partly just as a sign of respect to his parents. Instead, they would talk at night and catch each other up on what happened during the day.
Their living situation didn't change until Vinod got a job elsewhere, and they moved. Still, family often visited and stayed with them, but Kala's responsibilities lessened, and the two of them spent more time together. All she had hoped for before marriage was for the two of them to live simply and contentedly together - she had no aspirations for wealth or travel or...anything, really - and that hope was fulfilled.
"We were very close," she said, adding that - apart from the subject of his family, about which he was touchy - they talked openly together about everything and enjoyed spending time together.
After they were married, Kala went to live with Vinod's family. It was customary for a bride to leave her family and enter into her new one to live in a multigenerational household with: her husband; her mother- and father-in-law; her husband's unmarried sisters; and her husband's brothers, their wives, and any children they may have. This kind of living situation is still an ideal, but the nuclear family is becoming more prevalent.
As a daughter-in-law in the family, Kala's responsibilities were to take care of the housework - the cooking, cleaning, and laundry - and look after the younger children. Her primary obligation, then, was to her elders and to the family at large - not her husband. In fact, even when Vinod had to go to a sanatorium because of his illness, Kala wasn't allowed to go with him; she had to stay home and take care of his siblings and the house. Even when Vinod was home, he and Kala could barely talk during the day - partly because of her duties around the house and partly just as a sign of respect to his parents. Instead, they would talk at night and catch each other up on what happened during the day.
Their living situation didn't change until Vinod got a job elsewhere, and they moved. Still, family often visited and stayed with them, but Kala's responsibilities lessened, and the two of them spent more time together. All she had hoped for before marriage was for the two of them to live simply and contentedly together - she had no aspirations for wealth or travel or...anything, really - and that hope was fulfilled.
"We were very close," she said, adding that - apart from the subject of his family, about which he was touchy - they talked openly together about everything and enjoyed spending time together.
K: Usually your grandfather - if he was at home and I went out, went somewhere with someone else, he didn't like it. "You're going out, and I don't like it here alone without you," he would say.
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Kala and Vinod had three children together. Despite the general preference for sons over daughters (an attitude that still exists today in India - and, it seems, in the U.S. as well), the two had no such predilection and were delighted with each of the daughters that came first - my aunt, Smita, followed by my mother, Kashmira - as well as the son that arrived last - my uncle, Bhadresh.
"When my two daughters were born, my girls were so pretty when they were little that everyone loved them," said my grandmother. "And then when I became a parent for the third time, when my son arrived, then - that was it. We lived really happily after that."
She and my grandfather worked well together as a team; gender roles certainly existed, like they do in most parts of the world, but in their house, at least, both husband and wife played an active role in taking care of the house and raising the children. According to both my grandmother and my mother, Vinod was very involved with the kids, spending money on them and never on himself, playing with them, and never laying a hand on them.
"When my two daughters were born, my girls were so pretty when they were little that everyone loved them," said my grandmother. "And then when I became a parent for the third time, when my son arrived, then - that was it. We lived really happily after that."
She and my grandfather worked well together as a team; gender roles certainly existed, like they do in most parts of the world, but in their house, at least, both husband and wife played an active role in taking care of the house and raising the children. According to both my grandmother and my mother, Vinod was very involved with the kids, spending money on them and never on himself, playing with them, and never laying a hand on them.
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My mom: I remember when I was little and I used to, like, talk like baby, just, like, intentionally and then tickle him and all that. I still remember. And I - I don't remember being, like...slapped or anything by him. [to Kala] He never raised a hand to us-
K: No, never - I did! I even spanked your mom - poor thing, she |
probably got spanked the most.
N: She was stubborn- K: Because she was a little stubborn. Now it really hurts me, that - why did I do that? Later she helped me a lot. And look, she still does, doesn't she? * * * |
After all of their children had married and moved to the U.S., Kala and Vinod left India to join them, spending time wherever a new baby was born (including me!). Family ties were, and still are, valued above anything else; they stayed close with their children and grandchildren, ultimately settling down in Texas with their son and their grandson, Yaman. They were married fifty-seven years when Vinod passed away in 2001.
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