Dating and Marriage |
Arranged Marriage
Something that may surprise non-Indians – and maybe even some Indians – is the persistence of arranged marriage in this country. Over 70% of my survey participants indicated that they believe arranged marriages can be successful (yet 87% said they themselves would prefer to marry for love and choose their own partner). But I think at least part of that discrepancy comes from the increasingly blurry definition of what being “arranged” and “having choice” even means. Two of the women I spoke to – “Westernized,” independent women – are choosing to go through the process of being arranged. I’m emphasizing their independence and partially American identity not to try to justify their choice for them (it doesn’t need justification) but to emphasize that it is a choice after all.
In general, arranged marriage today is hardly oppressive and dictatorial; it’s not even as swift and controlled as my parents’ marriage was, even though they still had plenty of say in their final choice.
According to Hema, in regards to her family friend’s experiences: “I think a lot of what happens now in the realm of arranged marriage is kind of, like – it’s not even arranged marriage; it’s sort of like arranged dating, if you will...it was just like: ‘Here’s somebody – meet them, talk to them, see if you like each other, see if it works, whatever. But not forceful at all.”
She said that she herself would be totally fine with just being “set up” in a general sense, but not with the more traditional idea of being told: “Here’s your husband; you’re getting married.” Esha said something similar, explaining that the more stereotypical/traditional concept of arranged marriage is: “just so bizarre to me…and I understand that it was, like, practical at one point, but now it’s…I don’t know.”
But the concept of a recommendation or set-up is, again, acceptable to her.
When I asked Swathi, who’s in the early stages of the arranged marriage process, about her parents’ arranged marriage and her awareness of it as a child, she also agreed that the difference between “arranged” and “choice” today usually isn’t as sharply defined as some may think.
In general, arranged marriage today is hardly oppressive and dictatorial; it’s not even as swift and controlled as my parents’ marriage was, even though they still had plenty of say in their final choice.
According to Hema, in regards to her family friend’s experiences: “I think a lot of what happens now in the realm of arranged marriage is kind of, like – it’s not even arranged marriage; it’s sort of like arranged dating, if you will...it was just like: ‘Here’s somebody – meet them, talk to them, see if you like each other, see if it works, whatever. But not forceful at all.”
She said that she herself would be totally fine with just being “set up” in a general sense, but not with the more traditional idea of being told: “Here’s your husband; you’re getting married.” Esha said something similar, explaining that the more stereotypical/traditional concept of arranged marriage is: “just so bizarre to me…and I understand that it was, like, practical at one point, but now it’s…I don’t know.”
But the concept of a recommendation or set-up is, again, acceptable to her.
When I asked Swathi, who’s in the early stages of the arranged marriage process, about her parents’ arranged marriage and her awareness of it as a child, she also agreed that the difference between “arranged” and “choice” today usually isn’t as sharply defined as some may think.
Neeyati: Is that something - so, growing up in this country, were you even really aware of that distinction [between arranged and choice marriage] when you were...you know, a little younger?
Swathi: Um...no, not really. I was just, like, "Oh, people got married." I didn't really - no, I didn't think of that. N: Yeah, I mean, and I - I didn't either. I think it's just something that...I became aware of more when other people started ask- like, that's something that people associate with Indian culture, is: "Oh, okay, are you getting arranged?" S: Yeah, yeah, and I feel like after being aware of that, I started realizing how, like, fictitious the dichotomy is, because there’s so many people that get set up by their – like Americans who get set up by their, like, parents, and then…it’s so, it’s just such a gradient like everything in a humanist perspective, but...I, yeah - I don't think that that exists anymore, and people choose who they wanna be with. N: Yeah, yeah, I mean...I think it's - it's way more about - more, like, parental guidance, and just... |
S: Yeah.
N: I mean, my dad compares it to online dating all the time. It's like you fill out a background report. S: Oh, yeah. No, your dad’s absolutely right, I feel; it’s not as scary as, like – Americans will look at you with bright eyes and, like, ‘Oh, poor thing,’… N: I mean, I’m sure there’s the occasional parent who’s maybe more controlling, but that’s more on an individual basis, and I think most of my experience of people I’ve talked to and people I know, it definitely was not that oppressive. S: Yeah, absolutely. And I mean, we’re – I don’t know, I’m making generalizations, but women who are brought up in America, who went to schools – like, some of us public, private – and we have our own mind at this point, you know? And especially when people at your workplace ask, and it’s just like, ‘Okay, dude, like, I didn’t make it all the way here because my parents made me.’ Maybe some of this is, but...” * * * |
"Even with this wedding stuff," she said a little later in our conversation, "like my co-workers are like, ‘Oh, you shouldn’t, you’re so young, blah blah blah,’ and I think they’ve finally come to point to be like, ‘Never mind, never mind, I’m sorry; it’s your decision.’ I’m like, ‘Damn right, it’s my decision!’ You know? Like, my parents get that, why can’t you?"
But she also said that "It’s been a mutually beneficial conversation," and she's "learned to respect the process more after defending it to others." Talking about specific cultural practices, especially those that have a lot of stigma attached to them, is something our grandparents probably never had to do, and maybe even something some of our parents - depending on when they came to the U.S - didn't have to do. It's a unique moment for Indian Americans to teach and to learn, to emphasize women's agency in choosing their partners even in an arranged context.
Sandhya, too – whose process may be somewhat more defined than what I’ve been describing so far because she and her parents have worked closely to create a sort of timeline of expectations – said that this is very much her choice, and it’s something she’s excited about.
But she also said that "It’s been a mutually beneficial conversation," and she's "learned to respect the process more after defending it to others." Talking about specific cultural practices, especially those that have a lot of stigma attached to them, is something our grandparents probably never had to do, and maybe even something some of our parents - depending on when they came to the U.S - didn't have to do. It's a unique moment for Indian Americans to teach and to learn, to emphasize women's agency in choosing their partners even in an arranged context.
Sandhya, too – whose process may be somewhat more defined than what I’ve been describing so far because she and her parents have worked closely to create a sort of timeline of expectations – said that this is very much her choice, and it’s something she’s excited about.
Sandhya: I would say that I’m very excited. A lot of what I have chosen, or come up with in a checklist of, you know, traits I want in a partner actually align with [my parents'], which is why I eventually decided that I wasn’t just going to go along with it because they wanted me to; I was going to go along with it because I felt it was the best option for me.
N: Yeah, okay.
S: Um, and I think a lot of my friends still feel, to this day, that I have chosen something because I think it’s what’ll make my parents happy, and I agree that that’s part of my decision, but the majority of my decision is the fact that I want someone that I can speak my first language with; I want someone for whom, you know, like, religion is a very important piece of their life as it is mine.
So arranged marriage is still very much relevant and useful, particularly for Indians in the diaspora who want to connect with others who share some of the same cultural and regional values. It's an approach to marriage that's very much based on choice, despite being framed as oppositional to "choice marriage" (even in the context of this project!); it's just a focused, guided choice that's intended to maximize the potential for compatibility. It's up to the women (and men) involved to define and control what that compatibility might look like.