Dating and Marriage |
Dating
Even though almost all of my survey respondents (94%) have dated, it’s probably safe to say that most of our parents never did; I know that my parents and most of their friends and family have no personal experience with dating, and it’s likely that the 73.3% of respondents’ parents that had arranged marriages didn’t date beforehand either. So for a lot of Indian American women like myself, we've not only had to justify our choice in partners, but also, on a more basic level, the practice of dating itself. It was completely foreign territory for my parents – which I understood to some degree when I started dating my boyfriend but now appreciate so much more – and for most of my interviewees’ parents as well.
Esha and I spoke about the differences in perspective that are inevitable in this new territory, regardless of each of our parents’ acceptance and flexibility [please excuse the background noise!]:
Esha and I spoke about the differences in perspective that are inevitable in this new territory, regardless of each of our parents’ acceptance and flexibility [please excuse the background noise!]:
Neeyati: Yeah – yeah, cause I think sometimes, especially for people whose parents, like, came from a - where maybe they were arranged, and they never even dated, it wasn’t even something that they did…I know my parents had a tough time – they were never closed off to it, but they don’t really fully understand the point of just dating. They’re like, "Oh, well, just let us know when it’s all ‘set.’"
Esha: Yeah, no - it, you know, it’s a gradual process. N: Yeah, it’s like, what if it’s never "set"? What if I date this guy for years, and then…you’re just not gonna try to get to know him? So, yeah, I just think that’s interesting for them, even, it’s like a big step to navigate that, to bring their kids to this country, and… Um, okay, so…let’s see- E: And just, like, the idea of getting to know someone and being intimate with someone without even – without the word "marriage" even coming into the conversation; that’s – I think that’s something that they still have trouble, like, acknowledging that it exists. N: Yeah. I know with my boyfriend, within the first six months my dad, like, called him without my knowledge- E: Oh, no! N: -and just said, like – asked him what his intentions were…as in, like, "Do you think you’re gonna eventually wanna marry her?" E: Oh, gosh, and you’re just, like, "Nonono, not yet, don’t ask that yet!" N: And I was seventeen! I was like, "Dad, you don’t do that!" But, I mean, I'm still with that guy, and thankfully he loves me, so he wasn’t like, "Oh, shit." |
E: Yeah - oh, that’s good, that’s good.
N: Yeah. But I just thought that was crazy. E: ‘Cause they just kind of assume, like, why – ‘cause, like, I guess their mentality is like- N: If it’s not towards marriage, then it’s for physical- E: Yeah, or, like, why else would you be intimate with someone. Like, that’s the point, you should be working towards finding someone who you can spend the rest of your life with. N: Which is, like, I was so young that no one – there’s not going to be anyone that I’m gonna, you know – can be sure about. E: I know! Yeah, and we all change so much, it’s like you may as well just find someone you can spend, like, that amount of time with, you know? And if it doesn’t work out, it’s fine. N: And I don’t want to not be with anyone, until I’m like, you know – unless- E: Until you’re ready to get married, yeah… N: Right, I mean, unless, you know, if I really didn’t meet anyone I liked, I’m fine being by myself, but I – you know, if you have the chance and you click with someone, it’s like… E: Right. Yeah. * * * |
Sandhya too said something similar about her parents’ emphasis on a more definite end-goal for relationships as opposed to the potential open-endedness of dating: “For them, American dating is pointless. Like, they’re like, ‘Why would you spend so much energy and time chasing after people when the primary motivation there is lust as opposed to looking at an alliance?’”
I think it's this idea of equating dating with “lust” and the potential temporariness of that that’s so difficult for our parents to grasp, especially because stability is such a highly valued goal in Indian culture. In fact, Esha thinks this is at least part of the reason why her parents were surprisingly accepting and encouraging of her long-distance relationship:
I think it's this idea of equating dating with “lust” and the potential temporariness of that that’s so difficult for our parents to grasp, especially because stability is such a highly valued goal in Indian culture. In fact, Esha thinks this is at least part of the reason why her parents were surprisingly accepting and encouraging of her long-distance relationship:
E: I was surprised that my parents were so open about a long-distance relationship…they seem to be very – like they’re extremely supportive of it, so that was really nice, ‘cause I was pretty worried, you know, going into it; like, I don’t know, it was just a new territory for all of us.
N: Yeah, for sure, and I wonder too – I mean, this might be a huge generalization – but I wonder if they were maybe more encouraging because, I think, in Indian culture it’s like, ‘Yeah, you work towards a relationship; it’s not like just because it gets hard you-
E: Exactly, yeah. And then also, I think, it shows that – ‘cause you don’t just casually go into a long-distance relationship, you know, it’s like it shows that you’re committed, and you’re serious about it, so I think that’s why it appealed to them, because they realized I wasn’t just, you know – I wasn’t jumping into anything.”
I think my own long-distance situation is similar in some ways. My parents weren't sure about it in the beginning – though neither one ever tried to interfere with the relationship or forbid me from dating – but I think that over time my boyfriend and I demonstrated our commitment to each other. For one thing, long-distance, by nature, can’t be all about lust. Dating someone in much closer proximity definitely doesn’t have to be either, but I think that’s harder for some parents to believe. Also, even aside from the physical, my dad had concerns about my emotional involvement because he doesn't want to see me get hurt (which is probably something that most parents feel, regardless of cultural background). I’m not sure those concerns have completely gone away (even after nearly five years), but he has told me that he’s proud to see how loyal and committed I’ve been throughout the relationship. Again, there’s an emphasis on stability and love over temporary passions - which might be why 43% of respondents said that they only tell their parents about someone they’re dating when think it’s starting to get serious.