Dating and Marriage |
Dating (cont.)
With the emphasis on marriage as an end-goal for dating comes the hope, for most Indian immigrant parents, that their kids will date other Indians. 53% of the women I surveyed said that they feel pressure to date Indians – but even more (57%) said that regardless of parental pressure, they personally prefer to date Indians.
Mina* said she does feel pressure from her parents and grandparents, because she knows they would be disappointed if she dated non-Indians (which she has done in the past and would consider doing again in the future), but she also said that sometimes she herself does prefer people who share her cultural background.
“I haven’t met many Indian guys I’ve really hit it off with,” she said, “but it is nice being able to speak the same language with someone and having them understand the little cultural differences that Indians experience. That’s why it is important for me to have Indian friends, because, honestly, there are differences between my white and Indian friends.”
She doesn’t feel that she would ever rule out any particular group of people, but that there are some levels on which only Indians can connect. Sandhya too suggested that her personal preference for Indians isn’t discriminatory in any way, and it isn’t set in stone, but it is nevertheless influential in her life:
Mina* said she does feel pressure from her parents and grandparents, because she knows they would be disappointed if she dated non-Indians (which she has done in the past and would consider doing again in the future), but she also said that sometimes she herself does prefer people who share her cultural background.
“I haven’t met many Indian guys I’ve really hit it off with,” she said, “but it is nice being able to speak the same language with someone and having them understand the little cultural differences that Indians experience. That’s why it is important for me to have Indian friends, because, honestly, there are differences between my white and Indian friends.”
She doesn’t feel that she would ever rule out any particular group of people, but that there are some levels on which only Indians can connect. Sandhya too suggested that her personal preference for Indians isn’t discriminatory in any way, and it isn’t set in stone, but it is nevertheless influential in her life:
Sandhya: Like, over time, I’ve just ended up liking Indian guys more, which was definitely not true for the majority of high school; I was definitely – I had a thing for guys with blue eyes and that just doesn’t happen in Indian guys. But I would say that over time I slowly noticed that I really only consider – properly consider – dating Indian people. Like even when I’m filling out an online dating profile, like – yeah, okay, maybe I might not check that I’m only looking for Indians, but when I look at it, when I look at pictures and stuff, I’ll be like, ‘Yeah, but I know there’s no future, so why bother?’”
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Esha, on the other hand, does enjoy the fact that she and her Indian boyfriend have a lot of “general Indian American things” in common, but says that she didn’t have any particular preference for Indians that led her to him.
“I like to think of it as, like, ‘Oh, he happens to be Indian,’ you know?” she said, explaining that her parents have been supportive in the past of any non-Indian romantic interests she might have had and that that wouldn’t be an issue for her. “It was just, like, a convenient: ‘Oh, bonus! He’s Indian too!’”
I personally feel like meeting an Indian person that I wanted to date would be a “bonus” for me too, but not a requirement. I’m definitely not against the idea of dating someone who shares a language and a cultural background with me; I think it would be really nice to connect in that way, and I can’t deny that it would make my parents and my grandmother happy. But I just kind of go with whatever happens organically, and I happened to fall in love with a white boy! My family has been completely supportive of that, too, which is nice. Above anything else, they just want me to be with someone who treats me well.
So I think that, even though a lot of our parents have opened themselves up to the idea of their daughters dating, there's still a certain weight given to the preservation (if you will) of Indian culture within important relationships. Our parents certainly hope for this, but I think that whether or not they pressure us, we feel at least a bit of it on our own as well. A lot of Indian American women do prefer to date Indians, and even for those of us who, like me, don't have any particular preference, there's still a sharp awareness of cultural similarities and differences. Even though my (white, non-Indian) boyfriend and I have a lot in common - since I have, after all, grown up in this country - we do talk constantly about the differences in the ways in which we've been raised. It's something that we think has actually been mutually beneficial for us.; we've taught each other a lot and grown closer because of it.
“I like to think of it as, like, ‘Oh, he happens to be Indian,’ you know?” she said, explaining that her parents have been supportive in the past of any non-Indian romantic interests she might have had and that that wouldn’t be an issue for her. “It was just, like, a convenient: ‘Oh, bonus! He’s Indian too!’”
I personally feel like meeting an Indian person that I wanted to date would be a “bonus” for me too, but not a requirement. I’m definitely not against the idea of dating someone who shares a language and a cultural background with me; I think it would be really nice to connect in that way, and I can’t deny that it would make my parents and my grandmother happy. But I just kind of go with whatever happens organically, and I happened to fall in love with a white boy! My family has been completely supportive of that, too, which is nice. Above anything else, they just want me to be with someone who treats me well.
So I think that, even though a lot of our parents have opened themselves up to the idea of their daughters dating, there's still a certain weight given to the preservation (if you will) of Indian culture within important relationships. Our parents certainly hope for this, but I think that whether or not they pressure us, we feel at least a bit of it on our own as well. A lot of Indian American women do prefer to date Indians, and even for those of us who, like me, don't have any particular preference, there's still a sharp awareness of cultural similarities and differences. Even though my (white, non-Indian) boyfriend and I have a lot in common - since I have, after all, grown up in this country - we do talk constantly about the differences in the ways in which we've been raised. It's something that we think has actually been mutually beneficial for us.; we've taught each other a lot and grown closer because of it.