An Arranged Marriage in 1970s India: Kashmira Shah
Despite the common tendency to associate "love" and "choice" with modernity or progress, all of Kala's children had arranged marriages, which, in itself, was a choice. In truth, arranged matches are generally not nearly as controlled or oppressive as some who are unfamiliar with Indian culture may believe.
My mother, Kashmira, grew up in Vile Parle, the same suburb of Mumbai, in fact, in which my father, Sudhir, had lived before moving to the U.S. for college - but the two didn't meet until many years later.
When she was in school, Kashmira, like most girls she knew, didn't date. There really wasn't any sort of courtship system in place, so if anyone was dating, she didn't know about it; it would have had to be secretive. Years later, though, she did find out about someone - her best friend, no less - who had been secretly seeing someone.
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"She was my best friend but I never knew that she likes somebody, and she sometimes goes out with him," said my mother. "It's like she goes out but she would never discuss anything like that. And I heard it from outside...And then she got married to him."
This friend married at twenty-four, and Kashmira's sister married at twenty-one; for Kashmira, still unmarried when she turned twenty-six, there was less pressure about who to marry and more about when.
This friend married at twenty-four, and Kashmira's sister married at twenty-one; for Kashmira, still unmarried when she turned twenty-six, there was less pressure about who to marry and more about when.
Kashmira: When I was working, my mom used to tell me that: "Find somebody at work," and I said, "No, I don't like anybody at work." So it was kind of like she was pushing, 'cause I - when I got married, I was twenty-six, and that was like...they were like, "Oh - she hasn't found anybody yet." Or "She doesn't-" 'cause, I mean, it was - arranged marriages also, but um...the girl and the boy, they see each other, and if they say, "Yes," then only it proceeds further. It's not like parents decide and then they just have to get married.
Neeyati: Right, it's just, like, a parental guidance thing... K: Yeah. * * * |
So when Kashmira started meeting with potentials, she did have a say in the matter. She'd never considered not marrying at all, but she hadn't found anyone she liked; she turned down about seven or eight men before choosing my father, Sudhir. But the process of meeting with all of these people, many of them in other towns up to 500 miles away, was grueling. At the time, she was working at a bank, and even on Saturdays she had to work half the day. So on Saturday nights she would: take a train to whichever town she needed to go to, arrive there on Sunday morning, meet with a man and his family, take a night train back, arrive home on Monday morning, and go into work the same day. This was so wearing that by the time it was suggested to her to meet with Sudhir in Ahmedabad (~400 miles away), she was so tired that she almost didn't go:
K: And, um, then I got tired, so when I had to go see Dad in Ahmedabad, I was tired of going for the weekend, and I said, "No, I don't want to go. I don't want to see anybody." And so one of my aunts - she came to, like, request me, like just: "This is the last time, then we won't ask you. Just go and see and, you know, we won't ask you anymore." So I said, "Okay, this is the last time I'm going."
N: And it was. |
K: And so, we met each other at somebody's house, and I looked at him and I said, "Yes," and he looked at me and he said, "Yes," and that's it.
N: It was that simple? K: Yeah. And then we went out, like, couple times, and then we got engaged. And after engagement, we got married in one week. * * * |
Kashmira's parents (Kala and Vinod) had no objection to her choice; in fact, they weren't even there with her when she went to meet Sudhir and said, "Yes." They'd said before that whomever she likes is fine "as long as he's educated and the family's okay." The main things that Kashmira herself was looking for were:
K: Education and, um...little okay to look at. Like, I didn't want any ugly person. Also, I didn't want certain religion, like Jain-
N: He - yeah, but he was. K: But he was Jain, but since he wasn't going to stay in India with his parents- |
N: Yeah, so that was a deciding factor.
K: Yeah, so I thought that was okay, because he's not going to stay with his parents, so I don't have to change all my beliefs and...change everything. |
Although moving to America wasn't ideal for Kashmira - who had always thought, growing up, that she wanted to stay in India - it did allow her to sidestep the challenge of moving into the sort of multigenerational household that her mother had lived in, where she, as an outsider coming into Sudhir's family, would have to change her lifestyle to match theirs.
So she agreed to the engagement knowing she would only have a few more months living in India. She quit her job at the bank and began typing up loose ends before the two married, one week after the couple's first meeting, in January 1978. The ceremony was small and simple; Kashmira wore the typical bridal sari and did her own hairstyle and makeup at home.
Afterwards, they left immediately for a temple in Ahmedabad (again, ~400 miles from Mumbai), to pray and get a blessing before they could set off for their honeymoon. They went to Mount Abu, a beautiful Hindu and Jain pilgrimage site known for its scenic views, in the state of Rajasthan. And even though this was the first time the two spent a significant amount of time together - still strangers in many respects - according to my mother, there was no awkwardness or discomfort.
"It wasn't strange," she said. "It's like, you know, you know he's your husband."
After their first two or three days together as a married couple, Sudhir had to fly back to the U.S. where he was working as an electrical engineer, and Kashmira stayed with her family for a few more months, waiting on her visa, before joining him.
Her first several months in America - in Canton, MI - were lonely and made her feel homesick. Sudhir worked ten/twelve-hour days, and during that time Kashmira was home by herself. She couldn't yet drive, and though she'd learned English while in school in India, she wasn't entirely confident in her ability to speak in a tongue that was still very foreign to her; so she had nothing to do and no one to talk to - a stark contrast from life at home in India, where she could speak freely and walk anywhere she wanted, and friends and neighbors were always out and about, available to talk. She tried inviting a couple (white American) women over for tea, and while they came and acted perfectly nice to her, she never received an invitation back. Whether this was a sign of prejudice or, more likely, different ideas of hospitality, in any case, Kashmira found herself in a totally unfamiliar world.
Still, she never regretted her choice in marrying; she and Sudhir grew more comfortable with each other and, though they were never in love in a romantic sense, by building a life together they came to respect and care for each other. And soon their social situation improved as well, as they eventually met others from the small but growing Indian immigrant community.
Afterwards, they left immediately for a temple in Ahmedabad (again, ~400 miles from Mumbai), to pray and get a blessing before they could set off for their honeymoon. They went to Mount Abu, a beautiful Hindu and Jain pilgrimage site known for its scenic views, in the state of Rajasthan. And even though this was the first time the two spent a significant amount of time together - still strangers in many respects - according to my mother, there was no awkwardness or discomfort.
"It wasn't strange," she said. "It's like, you know, you know he's your husband."
After their first two or three days together as a married couple, Sudhir had to fly back to the U.S. where he was working as an electrical engineer, and Kashmira stayed with her family for a few more months, waiting on her visa, before joining him.
Her first several months in America - in Canton, MI - were lonely and made her feel homesick. Sudhir worked ten/twelve-hour days, and during that time Kashmira was home by herself. She couldn't yet drive, and though she'd learned English while in school in India, she wasn't entirely confident in her ability to speak in a tongue that was still very foreign to her; so she had nothing to do and no one to talk to - a stark contrast from life at home in India, where she could speak freely and walk anywhere she wanted, and friends and neighbors were always out and about, available to talk. She tried inviting a couple (white American) women over for tea, and while they came and acted perfectly nice to her, she never received an invitation back. Whether this was a sign of prejudice or, more likely, different ideas of hospitality, in any case, Kashmira found herself in a totally unfamiliar world.
Still, she never regretted her choice in marrying; she and Sudhir grew more comfortable with each other and, though they were never in love in a romantic sense, by building a life together they came to respect and care for each other. And soon their social situation improved as well, as they eventually met others from the small but growing Indian immigrant community.
During their first ten years together, they had trouble having children; it turned out to be only an issue with the allergy booster shots Sudhir was getting, but before they found that out, "people were making comments." This didn't upset Kashmira too much even though she'd always liked kids, but it did upset Sudhir.
"When we went to India, his dad wanted to go - wanted him to go to a doctor," said my mother, "and they told them that he has problem. So then they couldn't say much, otherwise they will always think that it's a woman's problem if she doesn't get pregnant. But I wasn't like, 'Oh,' you know, 'Why did I marry this guy?'"
Instead, the two considered other options - in fact, Sudhir's brother and his new wife even offered to give my parents their first child whenever he or she would arrive (a gesture that, at least in my experience, is unheard of or at least extremely rare in American culture and perhaps reflective of the emphasis on the idea of sacrifice and familial love in Indian culture). But Kashmira and Sudhir respectfully turned them down, and not too long after, they moved to New Mexico where the change in climate resolved Sudhir's allergy issues, and Kashmira got pregnant with my sister, Mona. After she was born in 1988, they thought, "Oh, okay, God gave us one child; that's good enough." They weren't expecting anything more, but then they moved back to Michigan in 1991, and I was born the following year.
"When we went to India, his dad wanted to go - wanted him to go to a doctor," said my mother, "and they told them that he has problem. So then they couldn't say much, otherwise they will always think that it's a woman's problem if she doesn't get pregnant. But I wasn't like, 'Oh,' you know, 'Why did I marry this guy?'"
Instead, the two considered other options - in fact, Sudhir's brother and his new wife even offered to give my parents their first child whenever he or she would arrive (a gesture that, at least in my experience, is unheard of or at least extremely rare in American culture and perhaps reflective of the emphasis on the idea of sacrifice and familial love in Indian culture). But Kashmira and Sudhir respectfully turned them down, and not too long after, they moved to New Mexico where the change in climate resolved Sudhir's allergy issues, and Kashmira got pregnant with my sister, Mona. After she was born in 1988, they thought, "Oh, okay, God gave us one child; that's good enough." They weren't expecting anything more, but then they moved back to Michigan in 1991, and I was born the following year.
My parents have now been married for thirty-six years. They've been back to India maybe two or three times (taking my sister and I with them in November 2000), but they've built a life here and plan to stay.