Cultural Identity |
The need to check in with my parents and consider their needs/wishes every step of the way is totally something that I’ve struggled with for a long time, and it’s the number one – maybe even the only – thing that even some of my most open-minded friends struggle with as well: “When are you going to let go of what your parents want and think about yourself?” “Why can’t you just do what you want?” “Why do you need their permission?” etc. But before I get into all of the problems with those questions and with my personal struggle as well, let me just show you that I’m not the only one who feels this tension:
“I mean, I call – I have to call my mom…twice a day?” said Swathi, “But I’m frickin’ 24, you know? Like, no one does that..I think it’s a personal thing too, and I know plenty of friends who are American who, I mean – they go shopping with their mom, and they have a different kind of relationship, and I never go shopping with my mom, you know? Like, it’s just how, in our society, we show love; it’s by overly caring through food and time, you know?”
Calling often and keeping your parents informed about pretty much…everything, at least as an Indian American woman, is essential. According to an anonymous survey respondent:
Calling often and keeping your parents informed about pretty much…everything, at least as an Indian American woman, is essential. According to an anonymous survey respondent:
"Last week I went to the dermatologist without telling them and when it showed up on my mother's Flexible Spending Account, I got a lecture about how "we are still your parents" and ""we are not dead" and this is not an American family to do whatever you want without telling us". What they viewed as a betrayal of Indian hierarchy, I (and American peers) view as common independence. We've hit similar roadblocks on my applying for jobs without telling them in the midst of a career change.”
This tension often manifests as guilt – especially because the “We are not dead” comment is a real thing! My parents deny it but I’ve definitely heard that unnecessary reminder several times. And guilt, Sandhya agrees, seems to be very characteristic of the Indian American experience; at least for me, it’s been a big thing that I’m still learning to overcome.
Mina* feels a sense of guilt or at least heightened awareness of what her parents might expect from her when it comes to spending time (as Swathi was saying) with her family vs. her friends – family is almost always supposed to come first. She said that when she goes out with friends during summers or breaks from school:
Mina* feels a sense of guilt or at least heightened awareness of what her parents might expect from her when it comes to spending time (as Swathi was saying) with her family vs. her friends – family is almost always supposed to come first. She said that when she goes out with friends during summers or breaks from school:
“While my parents don’t tell me a time I need to be back at night or that I shouldn’t go out so much, I feel like I should spend most of my time with them and that it’s disrespectful to stay out too late.”
Telling Gujarati Parents You're Leaving the HouseA slightly exaggerated demonstration of the kind of ordeal "going out with friends" can turn into for an NRI (non-residential Indian) kid. This sketch was created by a British Indian, but hey, it's not too far off.
Skip to 2:32 to see how "We are all dead for you" somehow winds itself into what should be a simple conversation. |
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So, like I said before, I personally have struggled with the intensity of the kind of parent-child relationship that all of the women above have described. For me, it comes back to the whole obligation/collectivism v. independence/individualism split. I mean – I’m almost embarrassed to admit it – I had an Ayn Rand phase in high school, and while I don’t really agree with everything she stands for, I did really get stuck on that idea of: “To say, ‘I love you,’ one must know first how to say the ‘I.’" and ‘If you don’t respect yourself, you can’t have love or respect for others,’ and, you know, doing things for your own joy and not for other people’s approval, etc. etc.
I felt like in my family there was too much emphasis on obligation and sacrifice – I mean, I totally recognize the value of, you know, caring about people other than yourself and not being totally, insufferably self-centered. But I just…didn’t like how much I felt like I was supposed to care what other people thought of me, like what my extended family or my parents’ friends would have to say about my personal choices that I didn’t even feel were wrong. I’ve just always felt like, “This is my life, and I don’t feel like I should have to hide that. They can think what they want to think.” There was always this subtle – sometimes less subtle – air of: “Let’s be cautious; let’s not talk about this yet,” and I didn’t get it, because I never felt like we, as a family, really had anything worth hiding.
The problem is that the idea of maintaining an “awareness of how your decisions affect others” extends to how a child’s behavior – at any age, even after reaching adulthood – is usually seen as a reflection of her parents’ level of success as parents rather than as an independent action. So then I felt selfish sometimes because I didn’t care about sharing parts of my life, but I knew my parents would be the ones to have to deal with it, so I had to make myself care. There were also times – more so in high school than now – when my parents thought I was being selfish when it didn’t even occur to me that my behavior could be interpreted that way at all. I used to feel misunderstood (not to paint a picture of the stereotypical moody, "misunderstood" teenage girl), but I can see now that it really was just miscommunication because of different mindsets and cultural philosophies.
Really, despite everything I’m making them out to be, my parents were always pretty flexible and open; they really encouraged me to grow into who I wanted to be, and I think a lot of the women I’ve quoted thus far would be quick to say something similar, to make it clear that they love and appreciate their parents wholeheartedly. But there were nevertheless those times when neither I nor my parents could see past our own mindsets. It’s just part of raising children in a new country, I think. But for me it resulted in a tension between growing as an individual and trying to find my independence while still showing that I cared about my family. And I guess that’s still something I struggle with, but I think I’m slowly coming to a balance. I think(!)
I just want to emphasize that in those moments when my parents may seem, from the outside, to be too heavily involved in my life, they’re not – not – trying to “control” me or anything like that. Believe me, there are plenty of ways in which we’ve clashed or I’ve done things they came to accept but probably wouldn’t have wanted me to do initially (like dating at a somewhat early age, living with my boyfriend, going on birth control, eating meat occasionally..) Their intention is to guide me as much as they can, but they understand that there are limits to that. My dad has said several times: “I just want you to listen – truly listen – and consider what I have to say and then make your own decision. I’m just trying to guide you because I’ve experienced a lot of things in my life, but I understand that everybody’s different and what I say may not be right for you.”
So those close ties with my family, that respect and communication with my parents - that can sometimes be misconstrued as weakness, not necessarily by everyone who’s not Indian, but by a lot of people, for sure, and I want to push back on that.
I felt like in my family there was too much emphasis on obligation and sacrifice – I mean, I totally recognize the value of, you know, caring about people other than yourself and not being totally, insufferably self-centered. But I just…didn’t like how much I felt like I was supposed to care what other people thought of me, like what my extended family or my parents’ friends would have to say about my personal choices that I didn’t even feel were wrong. I’ve just always felt like, “This is my life, and I don’t feel like I should have to hide that. They can think what they want to think.” There was always this subtle – sometimes less subtle – air of: “Let’s be cautious; let’s not talk about this yet,” and I didn’t get it, because I never felt like we, as a family, really had anything worth hiding.
The problem is that the idea of maintaining an “awareness of how your decisions affect others” extends to how a child’s behavior – at any age, even after reaching adulthood – is usually seen as a reflection of her parents’ level of success as parents rather than as an independent action. So then I felt selfish sometimes because I didn’t care about sharing parts of my life, but I knew my parents would be the ones to have to deal with it, so I had to make myself care. There were also times – more so in high school than now – when my parents thought I was being selfish when it didn’t even occur to me that my behavior could be interpreted that way at all. I used to feel misunderstood (not to paint a picture of the stereotypical moody, "misunderstood" teenage girl), but I can see now that it really was just miscommunication because of different mindsets and cultural philosophies.
Really, despite everything I’m making them out to be, my parents were always pretty flexible and open; they really encouraged me to grow into who I wanted to be, and I think a lot of the women I’ve quoted thus far would be quick to say something similar, to make it clear that they love and appreciate their parents wholeheartedly. But there were nevertheless those times when neither I nor my parents could see past our own mindsets. It’s just part of raising children in a new country, I think. But for me it resulted in a tension between growing as an individual and trying to find my independence while still showing that I cared about my family. And I guess that’s still something I struggle with, but I think I’m slowly coming to a balance. I think(!)
I just want to emphasize that in those moments when my parents may seem, from the outside, to be too heavily involved in my life, they’re not – not – trying to “control” me or anything like that. Believe me, there are plenty of ways in which we’ve clashed or I’ve done things they came to accept but probably wouldn’t have wanted me to do initially (like dating at a somewhat early age, living with my boyfriend, going on birth control, eating meat occasionally..) Their intention is to guide me as much as they can, but they understand that there are limits to that. My dad has said several times: “I just want you to listen – truly listen – and consider what I have to say and then make your own decision. I’m just trying to guide you because I’ve experienced a lot of things in my life, but I understand that everybody’s different and what I say may not be right for you.”
So those close ties with my family, that respect and communication with my parents - that can sometimes be misconstrued as weakness, not necessarily by everyone who’s not Indian, but by a lot of people, for sure, and I want to push back on that.